Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Pooping to opera.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
