Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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