I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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