just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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