Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
