If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
