You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
The best revenge is premature balding
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
