glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
