I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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