Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize