I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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