Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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