So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
