Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I touched a dick in church today
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize