That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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