this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
