if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
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