Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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