her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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