Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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