I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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