having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Thank you for not boning my boss.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize