my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
