Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
