need another drink. this is the easiest way
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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