Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Randomize
