my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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