He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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