I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
There are leaves in my underwear?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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