the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
