it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
