I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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