I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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