my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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