I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
