Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
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