Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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