I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
We got so high we made milksteak
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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