Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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