She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
