I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
