i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
