when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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