Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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