god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
