this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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