I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
