if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I just want nice things and good sex
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
