I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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