Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
