i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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