I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
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