He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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