he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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