Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
