I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
