I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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