dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
