he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
