never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
