yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
