Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
