You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
