Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
