i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
