Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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