where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
