somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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