I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Randomize
