3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
