My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Randomize
