Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
